Just Because...

I feel like blogging today...just because.  The weather is finally starting to turn, and I'm looking forward to a productive week.  Parker is continuing to grow...even took his first REAL steps this morning.  :)  That kid makes me smile every day.  And I love that he loves to play with Layla.  She'll always be my first baby, but Parker doesn't seem to mind that mommy loved another before him.  :)  2010 is flying by already...can't believe the first quarter has almost gone by!!!  Tax time...ugh...gotta get those receipts in order.  So many things on the "to-do" list.  Gotta work today.  Gotta say something nice to someone.  Gotta pay the piper.  Gotta feed the fish.  Gotta schedule some doctor appointments.  Gotta start making a shopping list.  Gotta cook meatloaf for the hubby...it's a surprise.  Gotta watch tv.  Gotta blog...just because.  Blogging...check.  Onto everything else...

Lenten Sacrifice

Well, I finally did it.  I finally found someething to give up that is really, really difficult...and that will get me closer to God...and will make me a better wife and mother.  I've given up Facebook.  I live on this site.  It's constantly running in the background on my computer.  It's like a bad reality tv show...I keep updating to see what is happening with everyone's life...and in the process I realized that I was losing a lot of mine.  I knew it had gotten bad when I came inside from Parker's 1st Birthday Party, to update my status that I was, in fact, at his birthday party.  Like seriously...who cared?  No one.  I mean, people responded and they "liked" my status...but, for those few moments, I was not present at my own son's party.  The party I had worked so hard to plan...and make favors for...and decorate...and make all the food for...  I knew something had to be done.  Not to mention the fact that Justin's biggest gripe with me is that I'm glued to the computer at night.  So, I took the plunge.  Today alone, I've spent more time with Parker playing this morning...and I thought I was doing a pretty good job of that before.  I also was able to wake up before everyone else in the house, and make myself tea and relax and watch the news in peace and quiet.  I also warmed up Justin's car while he was in the shower.  And I managed to clean up Parker's toys...which I hadn't done the night before because I was feverishly updating Facebook and telling everyone that I would be gone for a few weeks. 

Needless to say, I feel lighter.  I am ready to take Parker to the library (Baby Lapsits is at 10:30) so he can play with his "friends," and it's only 9 am.  He is napping...resting up for his playtime.  I'm going to post this, and then go make myself some breakfast.  Yep...I actually had time to blog this morning...because I'm not on Facebook.  So much has changed this morning...and I've only been awake for 3 hours.  I'm excited to see what the rest of this Lenten time will bring.  Blessings many, I'm sure...and it's not even supposed to happen that way.  I'm supposed to be getting closer to God...not the other way around.  Amazing how that works, huh?

Parker's 1st Year

Well the Winter One-derland party is over, and although I'm a little sad that my baby boy is growing up, I'm also in awe of how far he has come. When he was born he was just 5 lbs 1 oz, 18" long. He was 5 1/2 weeks early. This little boy has changed my life. My whole world has revolved around him for the past 365 days. Every decision I have made has been made with him in mind. There's so much that I could say about him, and about the person that he has made me become...but, I will sum it up and say that although I gave Parker life he has most definitely given me a reason to live. For the past 12 months I have been on a roller coaster with highs and lows...and although I've had highs and lows before they were never so meaningful. It's like I'm more passionate. When I'm mad, I'm really mad. When I'm happy, I'm so elated that I couldn't stop smiling if I wanted to. I love being a mom. I love my husband more now than I ever did...because he knew that I would love this new job. He had to convince me that I was ready to have a baby...and even then, I didn't believe him. God knew he had to make this happen fast or else I would change my mind. Everyone knew but me how much better my life could be with Parker in it. Some days I'm still in denial that I'm a mom. I wonder how I can ever go back to putting myself first...and then I realize that's a pretty stupid goal. It's not my goal, at all. I don't want to be the person I was before Parker came into my life. I was unfulfilled. I spent money on clothes that sat in my closet with the tags still on them five years later. I spent my time watching mindless reality tv shows. I ate like a teenager. I gossiped about things that didn't matter. I got up every day and went to work, came home, went to bed and got up the next day to do it all again...the same routine. I took things for granted. I didn't show my love to the people that I care about...at least not all the time. And most of all, despite all of my accomplishments in life, I never felt proud of myself. There is a laundry list of things that I could say has changed since Parker's arrival...but, one thing is for sure...nothing is the same as it was before Parker. I love my husband more. I love my dog more (I didn't know that was possible). I spend my time assembling cloth diapers, and planning my day around nap times and breastfeeding times. I wear the same 10 outfits and just rotate through odds and ends pieces. I vacuum more. I make dinners and we sit down to the dinner table every night to eat. I get Parker and the dog ready to greet Daddy every day and we wait by the front door to see him pull up the driveway. I tell the ones I love that I love them. I cry when I think about getting older now. I have a reason to be anxious, instead of just worrying over nothing. But, surprisingly, I worry a lot less. I am living my dream...I stay at home with Parker and get to see all of his smiles, giggles, dirty diapers, playtimes with his "sister," meltdowns, naptimes and his "talks" with his toys that are so meaningful. I haven't lost myself though...I still work at an office. I just spend less time there. As a psychologist, I help others all the time. As my son, Parker helps me every day. He has taught me appreciation, and patience, and love...true love. You can't learn those things in books. Yep, everyone knew what I didn't...that I would absolutely, 100%, love being a mommy...that it would change me in ways I couldn't imagine...and that it would make me want to do it more than just once...

So grateful...

I can't begin to describe the many things that I am thankful for these days. There is so much in life to complain about that it oftentimes overshadows any amount of good that happens to us. Since Parker's arrival, my life has totally changed. Some things needed to change, and I expected those changes. But, some things changed that I never really knew needed work. Had I not gotten pregnant with Parker, I would still be working at a job that I knew I needed to get out of. As a psychologist, I have so many open doors for work...and I got into the habit of working in an environment that was making me very cynical and made me believe that people in the world are mostly bad and out to deceive you. The sad thing is, I was ok with believing that...and that's not ok. Parker's early arrival created lots of difficulties with parenting including learning how to bond with a baby in the NICU and breastfeeding difficulties that latest well into Parker's 4th month of life. I also had to learn how to balance my love for a new baby, with my love and devotion to my "first baby," Layla Mae. I admit, I'm not always good at it and sometimes one wins out over the other. But, as I sit here reading people's blogs and message boards, I realize how incredibly lucky I am to be able to do things the way I want to. I'm totally convinced that I was able to succeed at breastfeeding Parker (9 months and 2 weeks and still going strong!) because I was able to stay at home with him. I'm also totally convinced that Parker has grown up so big and strong, from that tiny little preemie, because I am an "older" and more patient mom who knew what a very big deal raising a child was. I believe that I have succeeded in doing what you are "supposed" to do with new babies (breastfeeding, bonding, teaching, learning, playing, preparing meals, bathing, and most of all loving) because of the career I chose. Little did I know that my planning so long ago to go to grad school and take the road less travelled would allow me to do so much of what I do today. Sure, I incurred a lot of debt...a lot. But, I'm so lucky to be able to work for myself and make my own hours and make a good living doing it. I get the best of both worlds. I take care of my son and my dog all day. When night time rolls around, my husband gets his fill of the dog and the baby and helps take the pressure off of me for a little while. I go to work in the evening twice per week. I work on Saturday mornings. I still have time for my husband. I still have time for me...although I don't enjoy "me time" nearly as much as I did before I had Parker. My good friends are true friends. My entire family, although we may not see each other as often as we should, is a loving family that displays healthy competition and complete understanding when times are really tough. I wake up every day with a wonderful husband who gives me everything in the world that I need...and 100% of what I want. I live in a beautiful house that my husband and I created and built together. I have a nice car, a nice truck, and a crappy car that's good on gas...and I'm ok with all of that. I work with wonderful people. And at the end of every day I am so grateful to God for what I have. It's not easy every day...but, it's the world I so desperately needed and wanted...and I never even knew it. I lived my life in fear before, and now I live in gratitude.

OMG!

I totally created a blog! Welcome to it! :) Now onto researching cute layouts and html codes! Come back soon!