Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Lenten Sacrifice

Well, I finally did it.  I finally found someething to give up that is really, really difficult...and that will get me closer to God...and will make me a better wife and mother.  I've given up Facebook.  I live on this site.  It's constantly running in the background on my computer.  It's like a bad reality tv show...I keep updating to see what is happening with everyone's life...and in the process I realized that I was losing a lot of mine.  I knew it had gotten bad when I came inside from Parker's 1st Birthday Party, to update my status that I was, in fact, at his birthday party.  Like seriously...who cared?  No one.  I mean, people responded and they "liked" my status...but, for those few moments, I was not present at my own son's party.  The party I had worked so hard to plan...and make favors for...and decorate...and make all the food for...  I knew something had to be done.  Not to mention the fact that Justin's biggest gripe with me is that I'm glued to the computer at night.  So, I took the plunge.  Today alone, I've spent more time with Parker playing this morning...and I thought I was doing a pretty good job of that before.  I also was able to wake up before everyone else in the house, and make myself tea and relax and watch the news in peace and quiet.  I also warmed up Justin's car while he was in the shower.  And I managed to clean up Parker's toys...which I hadn't done the night before because I was feverishly updating Facebook and telling everyone that I would be gone for a few weeks. 

Needless to say, I feel lighter.  I am ready to take Parker to the library (Baby Lapsits is at 10:30) so he can play with his "friends," and it's only 9 am.  He is napping...resting up for his playtime.  I'm going to post this, and then go make myself some breakfast.  Yep...I actually had time to blog this morning...because I'm not on Facebook.  So much has changed this morning...and I've only been awake for 3 hours.  I'm excited to see what the rest of this Lenten time will bring.  Blessings many, I'm sure...and it's not even supposed to happen that way.  I'm supposed to be getting closer to God...not the other way around.  Amazing how that works, huh?

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Parker's 1st Year

Well the Winter One-derland party is over, and although I'm a little sad that my baby boy is growing up, I'm also in awe of how far he has come. When he was born he was just 5 lbs 1 oz, 18" long. He was 5 1/2 weeks early. This little boy has changed my life. My whole world has revolved around him for the past 365 days. Every decision I have made has been made with him in mind. There's so much that I could say about him, and about the person that he has made me become...but, I will sum it up and say that although I gave Parker life he has most definitely given me a reason to live. For the past 12 months I have been on a roller coaster with highs and lows...and although I've had highs and lows before they were never so meaningful. It's like I'm more passionate. When I'm mad, I'm really mad. When I'm happy, I'm so elated that I couldn't stop smiling if I wanted to. I love being a mom. I love my husband more now than I ever did...because he knew that I would love this new job. He had to convince me that I was ready to have a baby...and even then, I didn't believe him. God knew he had to make this happen fast or else I would change my mind. Everyone knew but me how much better my life could be with Parker in it. Some days I'm still in denial that I'm a mom. I wonder how I can ever go back to putting myself first...and then I realize that's a pretty stupid goal. It's not my goal, at all. I don't want to be the person I was before Parker came into my life. I was unfulfilled. I spent money on clothes that sat in my closet with the tags still on them five years later. I spent my time watching mindless reality tv shows. I ate like a teenager. I gossiped about things that didn't matter. I got up every day and went to work, came home, went to bed and got up the next day to do it all again...the same routine. I took things for granted. I didn't show my love to the people that I care least not all the time. And most of all, despite all of my accomplishments in life, I never felt proud of myself. There is a laundry list of things that I could say has changed since Parker's arrival...but, one thing is for sure...nothing is the same as it was before Parker. I love my husband more. I love my dog more (I didn't know that was possible). I spend my time assembling cloth diapers, and planning my day around nap times and breastfeeding times. I wear the same 10 outfits and just rotate through odds and ends pieces. I vacuum more. I make dinners and we sit down to the dinner table every night to eat. I get Parker and the dog ready to greet Daddy every day and we wait by the front door to see him pull up the driveway. I tell the ones I love that I love them. I cry when I think about getting older now. I have a reason to be anxious, instead of just worrying over nothing. But, surprisingly, I worry a lot less. I am living my dream...I stay at home with Parker and get to see all of his smiles, giggles, dirty diapers, playtimes with his "sister," meltdowns, naptimes and his "talks" with his toys that are so meaningful. I haven't lost myself though...I still work at an office. I just spend less time there. As a psychologist, I help others all the time. As my son, Parker helps me every day. He has taught me appreciation, and patience, and love...true love. You can't learn those things in books. Yep, everyone knew what I didn't...that I would absolutely, 100%, love being a mommy...that it would change me in ways I couldn't imagine...and that it would make me want to do it more than just once...