...And we're done...

Last night, I nursed Parker for the last time.  It was such a great experience, and I'm glad I was in the moment for the entire marathon session.  I think he sensed something was up, as he never nurses that long anymore.  But, he seemed so calm, and he took his time with what would ultimately be the last time we both would experience such closeness in that way.

Many of you know how much difficulty Parker and I had learning to nurse.  In the end, the two of us have battled:  Not being put to the breast until days after birth and even then we weren't "allowed" to nurse long since Parker was so tired and needed to eat quickly at each scheduled NICU feeding; constant around the clock pumping in the first few weeks of Parker's life; a nipple shield to help Parker latch since I had flat nipples; NICU bottles and nipples full of expressed breast milk which ultimately contributed to nipple confusion; pacifier use by the hospital within the first hour of his birth (and continued throughout  his 9-day NICU stay) which also ultimately contributed to nipple confusion; bruised, cracked, bleeding nipples that led to several visits with a lactation consultant; plenty of days where crying was the only thing on the agenda; after learning how to latch and nurse properly, Parker refused all alternative methods of feeding until solids were introduced at six months, which made it impossible for me to go anywhere or do anything without Parker in tow; three bouts of mastitis (one at 4 months, another at 14 months, and another just a few weeks ago); chronic clogged ducts and milk blisters that have lasted our entire breastfeeding journey and Lecithin supplements up to four times per day to help thin out my milk...and that's just what I can remember.  I feel so proud of myself for perservering in the face of adversity throughout the past 15 months, 3 weeks and 2 days.  You never realize how difficult it is to breastfeed your child not only physically, but mentally as well...until you're doing it.  Everyone has something to say about breastfeeding.  People love that you're doing it, but they don't want you to do it too long and when you do it for an extended period of time those same supportive people sometimes become non-supportive.  Some people think you shouldn't do it at all.  Some people will try to convince you that it doesn't matter, even when they know it matters to you.  Some people will support you no matter what you choose...but, those people are not the norm.

But, along with the battle came a great reward...one that I hope I'll never forget as time goes on.  One that I hope I'll be able to experience again someday if we're blessed with another baby.  I loved the time that Parker and I spent together, just us.  I blogged a few months ago about a snapshot in time during one of our nursing sessions...and I can't tell you how many times per day I have felt the same way...it wasn't just that one time.  ...like last night...

I knew this was our last nursing session.  It has been planned for a week or so.  Parker has been getting more and more independent and he has been self-weaning in his own way over the past few weeks.  We always nursed in the recliner in the family room.  But, Parker began to latch, unlatch, get off the chair and grab a toy and come back and want to latch...lather, rinse, repeat.  It became too much, and he wasn't getting in some good nursing sessions.  So, we started nursing in the glider in his room...in quiet.  Parker sprawled out on the boppy pillow and would self-soothe by playing with his hair, and just wrapping himself up in me.  It was like old times.  But, I began to feel that I was forcing the issue since I knew he would be more distracted if we were downstairs...and I wondered if he was just ready to let go...but, had some ambivalence...just like his mommy.  So, the date was set...and I cherished every nursing session even more so...if that was possible.

I let Parker nurse as long as he wanted last night...and long he did.  He began on the left breast.  A calm came over him almost instantly when he latched.  He played with his hair and his eyes fluttered.  He put his left leg on my chest and shoulder and nestled in.  When he finally switched breasts, he nestled in again.  Only this time he seemed to be trying to savor the moment.  My heart melted as he reached up and guided the hand that was propping up my face to his hair.  He wanted me to play with his hair.  Then, at the same time I was playing with his hair, he reached up and pulled some of my curls so that they landed on my chest.  He began twirling my curls.  With his other hand, ge held my breast.  A little later, he reached up and grabbed my hand.  He held my hand for a long time...twirling his fingers in and out of mine.  Then, he put his fist to my mouth.  He wanted me to kiss his fingers, and his open hand, and the inside of his wrist, and the inside of his forearm, and the inside of his elbow, and eventually his cheek.  That was our thing.  He loved when I did that.  The anticipation as I kept moving towards his face always made him smile and laugh...but, he never unlatched.  I don't know how he did it...but, he always did it..he never missed a beat.  When he was finished nursing, he unlatched...something that he did sporadically.  Most times I would have to pry him off of me, even when he was in a deep sleep.  But, I think he wanted to do this his way.  He unlatched, and smiled at me.  I picked him up and laid his head on my shoulder.  I walked around the dark room with him and held him.  He held me back.  His nighttime turtle was turned on (it's a turtle that sits on the floor and the shell has little star-shaped holes on it where the light passes through and shines "stars" and a "moon" on the ceiling and walls in either blue, orange, or green.  Tonight it was green.).  He was looking at the stars and cuddling me.  Then, he reached out to touch a star on the wall.  So, we walked around the room, quietly touching the stars and smiling.  I began singing his sleep song...Silent Night.  I always have to sing all three verses and then hum through it one time before putting him down.  So, I did.  He laid his head down on my shoulder...and I heard him take that deep breath that he takes just before he falls deeply asleep.  I kissed the back of his head.  I laid him in the crib...always on his tummy and his knees.  He didn't move.  I didn't either.  I just looked at him for a little while.  I felt truly blessed.

It was a good ending to this chapter of our lives.  I'm not sure who to thank for this.  Parker?  Myself?  God?  All I know is that I'm thankful.  I'm thankful for being able to experience pregnancy, childbirth, taking care of a newborn, taking care of an infant, and now taking care of a toddler.  I'm thankful for being able to feel pain, sadness, love, joy, heartache, compassion, worry, fear, responsibility, and unconditional love.  It makes me human.  It makes me feel alive.  I love my family...and they remind me every day how special I am...and how lucky we all are to have each other.  Thank you, Parker, for making me a mommy...and making me love it.

Every ending symbolizes a new beginning.  I wonder what the future holds...

Remember this...

These days I find myself constantly saying, "Don't forget this."  I have always had a horrible memory, but it never really bothered me before.  I used to keep calendars in my purse and I would write down certain things on each day like "went grocery shopping," or "saw such-and-such movie with so-and-so."  I would go back and read these calendars years later...and I would swear that I never did whatever it was that I saw written down...but, I knew I had because I wrote it down.  These days I'm not so anal about writing down my every move, but truth be told I would be if I didn't have Parker.  That's how I used to spend my days...recording my memories in ink.  Now, I try hard to record my memories in my mind...and I take lots of pictures.  But, I know that my mind fails me more often than naught.  So tonight I want to record a memory...in black and white...just so I'll never forget it, for sure.

Parker is a loving baby.  He's very cuddly with me.  And from very early on, he would wrap himself up in me while he nursed.  Tonight...at 13 1/2 months old...Parker still just wraps himself up in me.  I wish I had that kind of focus.  I would love to know what he's thinking during those times.  He looks so peaceful...so in love.  Before he nurses, he gets all happy knowing what's to come.  When I pull out the Boppy pillow he knows the boobie is close behind.  So, I pick him up and lay him down on the Boppy...and he kicks his legs.  He looks like a little horse!  He also smacks his lips and smiles.  When I put my nipple in his mouth he sucks hard...and his eyes tell the story.  They blink and get heavy.  He looks like he's in ecstasy.  And then he takes his hand, and he twirls his own hair.  And then he gets his other hand up to his head and plays with the hair on the other side of his head.  Then, he twirls my hair...and he puts my hair on his face and rubs his eye with it.  I know now why God never allowed a straightener to ever work on my hair.  Parker loves my curls.  Funny, but Parker's Daddy used to love playing with my curls back when we were first dating.  That's a nice memory, too.  But...back to Parker...  Parker takes his leg and puts it up on my shoulder when he nurses.  It's like he just wants to crawl inside me.  He can't get any closer...there is no air between us.  And he reaches for my hand and holds my fingers.  And he loves when I touch his face, so he oftentimes leads my hand to his face so that I can lightly run my fingers over his cheeks and forehead.  And he looks at me and smiles...'cause he knows what I'll do next.  I take his hand and kiss his knuckles...and I kiss the inside of his wrist...and he giggles...and I kiss the inside of his forearm...and the inside of his elbow...and he is laughing now...and I hurriedly kiss his bicep and then his face.  Parker loves it.  He never unlatches.  He just giggles and laughs and stays right where he is.  Not even laughter can break him from me.  He smiles and waits for me to do it again...and I do...I always do.  And when I'm done kissing him...he reaches up and fumbles with my nursing necklace and my cross that hangs on a gold chain.  I've worn this nursing necklace for so long, it's a part of me now.  I don't know how I'll ever not wear it.  I don't know how I'll ever wean Parker.  I love these times with him.  Tonight...while nursing him to sleep, I had a talk with God.  I thanked him for giving me Parker...and for knowing that I would love being his mommy.  I thanked him for Parker's health...because I don't ever take that for granted.  And when I was done talking to God, I looked down...and Parker was asleep...still latched...   I was tired, and hungry...but, I was in love more.  So, I stayed right there in that rocker and kept rocking and loving Parker.  As I sat there in Parker's nursery with nothing but the night light on, I saw so much.  I saw the love of my life.  And as I felt his heart beat with my hand I realized that Parker is the only person who has ever heard my heart beat from the inside.  And then I understood why he always wants to be so close to me.  I unlatched Parker and held him on my chest for a few minutes before I put him in his crib.  He was sound asleep, breathing heavy...but as soon as I took my hand off of him he woke up and cried.  I picked him up...he grabbed one of my curls and he went silent.  Within 10 seconds he was breathing heavy again...  I've never loved anyone this much.  I hope I never forget that moment...

Just Because...

I feel like blogging today...just because.  The weather is finally starting to turn, and I'm looking forward to a productive week.  Parker is continuing to grow...even took his first REAL steps this morning.  :)  That kid makes me smile every day.  And I love that he loves to play with Layla.  She'll always be my first baby, but Parker doesn't seem to mind that mommy loved another before him.  :)  2010 is flying by already...can't believe the first quarter has almost gone by!!!  Tax time...ugh...gotta get those receipts in order.  So many things on the "to-do" list.  Gotta work today.  Gotta say something nice to someone.  Gotta pay the piper.  Gotta feed the fish.  Gotta schedule some doctor appointments.  Gotta start making a shopping list.  Gotta cook meatloaf for the hubby...it's a surprise.  Gotta watch tv.  Gotta blog...just because.  Blogging...check.  Onto everything else...

Lenten Sacrifice

Well, I finally did it.  I finally found someething to give up that is really, really difficult...and that will get me closer to God...and will make me a better wife and mother.  I've given up Facebook.  I live on this site.  It's constantly running in the background on my computer.  It's like a bad reality tv show...I keep updating to see what is happening with everyone's life...and in the process I realized that I was losing a lot of mine.  I knew it had gotten bad when I came inside from Parker's 1st Birthday Party, to update my status that I was, in fact, at his birthday party.  Like seriously...who cared?  No one.  I mean, people responded and they "liked" my status...but, for those few moments, I was not present at my own son's party.  The party I had worked so hard to plan...and make favors for...and decorate...and make all the food for...  I knew something had to be done.  Not to mention the fact that Justin's biggest gripe with me is that I'm glued to the computer at night.  So, I took the plunge.  Today alone, I've spent more time with Parker playing this morning...and I thought I was doing a pretty good job of that before.  I also was able to wake up before everyone else in the house, and make myself tea and relax and watch the news in peace and quiet.  I also warmed up Justin's car while he was in the shower.  And I managed to clean up Parker's toys...which I hadn't done the night before because I was feverishly updating Facebook and telling everyone that I would be gone for a few weeks. 

Needless to say, I feel lighter.  I am ready to take Parker to the library (Baby Lapsits is at 10:30) so he can play with his "friends," and it's only 9 am.  He is napping...resting up for his playtime.  I'm going to post this, and then go make myself some breakfast.  Yep...I actually had time to blog this morning...because I'm not on Facebook.  So much has changed this morning...and I've only been awake for 3 hours.  I'm excited to see what the rest of this Lenten time will bring.  Blessings many, I'm sure...and it's not even supposed to happen that way.  I'm supposed to be getting closer to God...not the other way around.  Amazing how that works, huh?

Parker's 1st Year

Well the Winter One-derland party is over, and although I'm a little sad that my baby boy is growing up, I'm also in awe of how far he has come. When he was born he was just 5 lbs 1 oz, 18" long. He was 5 1/2 weeks early. This little boy has changed my life. My whole world has revolved around him for the past 365 days. Every decision I have made has been made with him in mind. There's so much that I could say about him, and about the person that he has made me become...but, I will sum it up and say that although I gave Parker life he has most definitely given me a reason to live. For the past 12 months I have been on a roller coaster with highs and lows...and although I've had highs and lows before they were never so meaningful. It's like I'm more passionate. When I'm mad, I'm really mad. When I'm happy, I'm so elated that I couldn't stop smiling if I wanted to. I love being a mom. I love my husband more now than I ever did...because he knew that I would love this new job. He had to convince me that I was ready to have a baby...and even then, I didn't believe him. God knew he had to make this happen fast or else I would change my mind. Everyone knew but me how much better my life could be with Parker in it. Some days I'm still in denial that I'm a mom. I wonder how I can ever go back to putting myself first...and then I realize that's a pretty stupid goal. It's not my goal, at all. I don't want to be the person I was before Parker came into my life. I was unfulfilled. I spent money on clothes that sat in my closet with the tags still on them five years later. I spent my time watching mindless reality tv shows. I ate like a teenager. I gossiped about things that didn't matter. I got up every day and went to work, came home, went to bed and got up the next day to do it all again...the same routine. I took things for granted. I didn't show my love to the people that I care about...at least not all the time. And most of all, despite all of my accomplishments in life, I never felt proud of myself. There is a laundry list of things that I could say has changed since Parker's arrival...but, one thing is for sure...nothing is the same as it was before Parker. I love my husband more. I love my dog more (I didn't know that was possible). I spend my time assembling cloth diapers, and planning my day around nap times and breastfeeding times. I wear the same 10 outfits and just rotate through odds and ends pieces. I vacuum more. I make dinners and we sit down to the dinner table every night to eat. I get Parker and the dog ready to greet Daddy every day and we wait by the front door to see him pull up the driveway. I tell the ones I love that I love them. I cry when I think about getting older now. I have a reason to be anxious, instead of just worrying over nothing. But, surprisingly, I worry a lot less. I am living my dream...I stay at home with Parker and get to see all of his smiles, giggles, dirty diapers, playtimes with his "sister," meltdowns, naptimes and his "talks" with his toys that are so meaningful. I haven't lost myself though...I still work at an office. I just spend less time there. As a psychologist, I help others all the time. As my son, Parker helps me every day. He has taught me appreciation, and patience, and love...true love. You can't learn those things in books. Yep, everyone knew what I didn't...that I would absolutely, 100%, love being a mommy...that it would change me in ways I couldn't imagine...and that it would make me want to do it more than just once...