Remember this...

These days I find myself constantly saying, "Don't forget this."  I have always had a horrible memory, but it never really bothered me before.  I used to keep calendars in my purse and I would write down certain things on each day like "went grocery shopping," or "saw such-and-such movie with so-and-so."  I would go back and read these calendars years later...and I would swear that I never did whatever it was that I saw written down...but, I knew I had because I wrote it down.  These days I'm not so anal about writing down my every move, but truth be told I would be if I didn't have Parker.  That's how I used to spend my days...recording my memories in ink.  Now, I try hard to record my memories in my mind...and I take lots of pictures.  But, I know that my mind fails me more often than naught.  So tonight I want to record a memory...in black and white...just so I'll never forget it, for sure.

Parker is a loving baby.  He's very cuddly with me.  And from very early on, he would wrap himself up in me while he nursed.  Tonight...at 13 1/2 months old...Parker still just wraps himself up in me.  I wish I had that kind of focus.  I would love to know what he's thinking during those times.  He looks so peaceful...so in love.  Before he nurses, he gets all happy knowing what's to come.  When I pull out the Boppy pillow he knows the boobie is close behind.  So, I pick him up and lay him down on the Boppy...and he kicks his legs.  He looks like a little horse!  He also smacks his lips and smiles.  When I put my nipple in his mouth he sucks hard...and his eyes tell the story.  They blink and get heavy.  He looks like he's in ecstasy.  And then he takes his hand, and he twirls his own hair.  And then he gets his other hand up to his head and plays with the hair on the other side of his head.  Then, he twirls my hair...and he puts my hair on his face and rubs his eye with it.  I know now why God never allowed a straightener to ever work on my hair.  Parker loves my curls.  Funny, but Parker's Daddy used to love playing with my curls back when we were first dating.  That's a nice memory, too.  But...back to Parker...  Parker takes his leg and puts it up on my shoulder when he nurses.  It's like he just wants to crawl inside me.  He can't get any closer...there is no air between us.  And he reaches for my hand and holds my fingers.  And he loves when I touch his face, so he oftentimes leads my hand to his face so that I can lightly run my fingers over his cheeks and forehead.  And he looks at me and smiles...'cause he knows what I'll do next.  I take his hand and kiss his knuckles...and I kiss the inside of his wrist...and he giggles...and I kiss the inside of his forearm...and the inside of his elbow...and he is laughing now...and I hurriedly kiss his bicep and then his face.  Parker loves it.  He never unlatches.  He just giggles and laughs and stays right where he is.  Not even laughter can break him from me.  He smiles and waits for me to do it again...and I do...I always do.  And when I'm done kissing him...he reaches up and fumbles with my nursing necklace and my cross that hangs on a gold chain.  I've worn this nursing necklace for so long, it's a part of me now.  I don't know how I'll ever not wear it.  I don't know how I'll ever wean Parker.  I love these times with him.  Tonight...while nursing him to sleep, I had a talk with God.  I thanked him for giving me Parker...and for knowing that I would love being his mommy.  I thanked him for Parker's health...because I don't ever take that for granted.  And when I was done talking to God, I looked down...and Parker was asleep...still latched...   I was tired, and hungry...but, I was in love more.  So, I stayed right there in that rocker and kept rocking and loving Parker.  As I sat there in Parker's nursery with nothing but the night light on, I saw so much.  I saw the love of my life.  And as I felt his heart beat with my hand I realized that Parker is the only person who has ever heard my heart beat from the inside.  And then I understood why he always wants to be so close to me.  I unlatched Parker and held him on my chest for a few minutes before I put him in his crib.  He was sound asleep, breathing heavy...but as soon as I took my hand off of him he woke up and cried.  I picked him up...he grabbed one of my curls and he went silent.  Within 10 seconds he was breathing heavy again...  I've never loved anyone this much.  I hope I never forget that moment...